I AM your father
Why do I watch movies that insist on making me laugh for one great scene only to turn me away to paint my toy soldiers because the rest of it isn’t really watchable?
Oh I remember now. I rented Reign of Fire so that I’d have something to listen to while I painted.
Most of the movie is exposition. Even when the people are fighting the dragons, they have to explain everything because it’s just so over-the-top. You see, when you create a post-apocalyptic world overrun by dragons, you either have to have something so good people will just run with it, or you have to explain it all.
Reign of Fire explains a lot.
But there’s one great scene.
Two men are fighting underground with wooden swords. Christian Bale is wearing a helmet. At first I think they are practicing kendo or something. But as it turns out, they are acting out stories for the future children who live in a world without television.
(Swordfighting)
(Pause)
Christian Bale: (Breathing heavily) “Join me,” the black knight says, “and we can end this conflict forever.”
Other Guy: Never.
(Swordfighting continues)
(Children gasp in suspense)
(Pause)
Other Guy: “I’ll never join you,” the white knight says, “You killed. My father.”
(He spins around and drives Christian Bale back only for Christian Bale to pretend to chop off Other Guy’s hand)
Do you see where this is going? I hope you do!
(Children gasp)
(Christian Bale breathes heavily)Christian Bale: The black knight says, through the holes in his shiny mask, and he speaks words that burn into our hero’s heart forever.
Christian Bale: (breathing heavily)
Christian Bale: “I…am your father.”
(Children gasp)
Other Guy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Children gasp!)
(Lights go out)
They just re-told the ending to The Empire Strikes Back! (And minus the special effects, it was far better than anything you could have gotten out of the movie). The whole white knight/black knight construction really adds something to the scene.
I don’t know if it makes up for the rest of the movie (cool dragon animation, some guys jumping out of helicopters, nifty fire effects, but not much else worth salvaging) but it was so funny imagining children thinking a grown-up was making up a story they were re-enacting.
Just think of the damage you could cause by performing only the most exciting parts of classic novels.
- Ahab throwing his harpoon at Moby Dick (where Khan gets his final words, by the way).
- Holden Caulfield gets beaten up by the pimp.
- The ring falls into Mount Doom.
You’re almost guaranteed to sucker a generation of readers into becoming English majors. This is primo marketing because you can never have enough English majors.
I mean, with an English background you might end up blogging someday.
For fun.
Really.
felixnation :: Jan.19.2007 :: Hermit Cave :: 2 Comments »
2 Responses to “I AM your father”
Whatever you do, never reenact anything from “The Monk”.
You’ll either get thrown into a turkish prison, or you’ll end up making religious fetish porn.
With luck, maybe both.
I’ll leave the religious re-enactments to those who know them best, Hellfury.